Profile Howlers and Wowsers

Intentional Humour?

Your public awaits you and your almost perfect profile is ready to be unleashed, or is it?  Surely you would not compose and send off a Curriculum Vitae to a potential employer without checking it?  Well pay the same sort attention to detail on your profile and make sure your public is laughing WITH you as opposed to at you!

The moral of this chapter is to be aware of how your profile reads!  Sometimes it is simply incorrect punctuation which causes the howlers (and sometimes it is the reader's wicked imagination of which you have no control).

E from Cambridgeshire:

I am just as happy to stay in hold hands and watch TV. 

I imagine E is trying to imply he is tactile as opposed to actually sitting at home clasping his hands as he watches the television alone.

M from Huntingdon
Have a car: N/A

Am financially stable, got my own place, car and all the other trappings. 

Something does not quite match up.

L from Oxfordshire:

I'm looking for Mrs Right to share these things with.

I imagine L would like to meet a singleton and make her his Mrs as opposed to stealing another man's wife.
Likewise - D from Bishop's Stortford.

E from Essex

Looking for a sexy smile and good times together.

My sexy smile and I always have good times together... don't yours?

N from Spalding

Enjoy a good night out but equally as happy having a night in with a bottle of wine and quality time together.

I cannot imagine that N's intention is actually to have quality time with his bottle of wine.

R from Essex

I'm more of a comfortable traveller but I have been known to camp!

This is purely my twisted mind for I have images of John Inman.

L from Northamptonshire

Northants guy with own house and no ties seeks funny normal pretty lady for fun and friendship.

The picture of the guy does indeed show him without a tie... not sure he meant that though.

D from Milton Keynes

Just so I conform I like eating out real English beer motorbikes.

Is that a motorbike made from beer, and how does one eat it or perhaps out of it?

M from Bourne

I don't need to drink heavily to have a good time - most of the time I'm driving so stick to coke and orange juice.

Is coke and orange juice a good mix?  I can imagine the colour is gross.

N from Stofold

Dislikes- Marrow, what is the point of this vegetable?
Marrow has a point? No wonder he doesn't like it.

K from Luton

Looking for my Yin Yang

Is that the same as asking for a threesome or a he-she?

M from Bedford

I bring good things to a relationship

I wonder if that is like a dowry.  Certainly intriguing.


F from Pakistan

Status: not single, not looking

Intent: Dating!

H from Northampton

Profession: Proffesional

I liken this error to the self-professed "inteligent" person (AND I am ignoring the fact that a professional, unless you're Bodie or Doyle, is not a profession). 

J from Peterborough
Like eating out country side the beach love cliff tops walks.

That is such an unusual diet (oh it's lacking punctuation silly me).

B from Ely

Take her down are local for a slap up fish and chip meal.

There the danger lies spelling words how you pronounce them. 

C from Milton Keynes

Enjoys most things in life as lif is too short.

That typo or Freudian slip is rather humorous.

Photographic Faux Pas

N from Herts

Status: single 

Photo: with wedding ring!

H from Leamington Spa

Status: blond Caucasian

Photo: bald!

Hair colour for the mature male is often inaccurate.  Photos blatantly show salt and pepper or grey, not black/brown/blond.

S from Peterborough

Status: non-smoker

Photo: cigarette in hand!

S from Peterborough
Photo: of two men
No other pictures, so who is S?


Ladies from anywhere
Average body type
Photo: women's view of average seems to range from a size 10 to a size 20.  According to this article the average dress size in Britain is a size 16.  According to this article it was a size 14 in the year 2000 and a 12 a decade earlier.


Anyone from anywhere
The fun-seeking and cheerful members whose photos depict the opposite.

Other Surprises

B from Hertford

48

I am looking to start my own family

As a mother of five I am pretty maternal, even to this day.  My age, however, dictates my biological clock has run out (due to risks to a potential embryo/foetus).  Now this gentleman is one of a growing trend: already past middle-aged and wanting to start or extend a family.  If he sires with a younger woman the risk fore-mentioned is much less or negligible.  This makes him far more fortunate than a woman of his own age group, but surely other factors need to be taken into consideration, such as age and health?  Consider the father's age as the child grows up.  Chances are he will live to a ripe old age since demographically we are becoming a nation top heavy with elderly people, but will B still have reasonable health and how comparable will he be to other fathers of twenty to thirty years his junior?  A trite example perhaps, but would he be able to play football with his son in his teens, when he is in his sixties?  B will be a pensioner before he could take his child for her first legal drink.
B from Luton
49
Wants to extend his family


A from Coventry

Looking for real love. Someone I can call my mum, my soulmate, my sister and my lover

Okay is it me, or is this scary?  Can we just stick with the 'best friends' comments rather then include female relatives?

Markymark from anywhere

Is an extremely frequent user name.

N from Luton

My colleges at work say I am good looking kind caring and good fun,so who am i to disagree...?

I imagine N is not referring to those institutions for higher education, but in fact his colleagues.  I later found out his 12 year old daughter composed his profile.  N had her correct it when the error was pointed out.  I was later horrified to learn she may have communicated with a potential datee or two.  

Profile Wisdom 

E from King's Lynn

Sorry ladies, no pics, no can do! I just do not understand why so many women on here don't have a picture of themselves unless they have something to hide maybe??? If we are all honest deep down, it starts with the picture first, and then if you are not completely repulsed, then we read the profile to get to know a bit more. Don't shoot the messenger :) Just telling it as it is...

J from Nottingham

Why is it that people put as there main profile pictures where: 
They don't smile
Group photos
Distance shots
Pictures of animals!!!

M from Cambridge
Please accept my apologies if I don't reply, I do appreciate any message, but I don't wish to confuse or to 'lead on' in any way, so feel it best to just keep it simple by being silent rather than getting into a series of polite replies...anyway thanks and good luck. 

C from New York

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION & COMPATIBLITY are key for me – As it should be with everyone I hope.
I read all messages that are sent to me and read the sender's profile.
If I don't respond it is because I do not believe I am a match for one of those two reasons listed previously.