Relationship must haves. Part One Chemistry and Timing

Earlier in my Blog I intimated a relationship has three major requirements for success and longevity: chemistry, compatibility and timing.  

CHEMISTRY

Does the first, chemistry, need an introduction?  It is a term banded about on dating sites and between members, and for some people remains elusive.  Well let us go with what we know: we see a person to whom we are attracted.  The most obvious point of attraction is that we find their physical appearance attractive and this pleases us; in fact this information goes to our brain and triggers our pleasure signals.  Biologically we have undergone a release of hormones within our brain.  The chemical reaction has begun.  More often than not due to internet dating, this begins with a photograph; and this reaction goes to prove that looks are a very important aspect of attraction.  So, for those people who scream that taking looks into account is shallow, my advice is to stop fighting something that is perfectly natural.

Oh so many pics to choose from

We humans share these biological drives, these hormones which are released due to the sensory information, with our animal compatriots.  Procreation is the nature of the beast, so-to-speak.  In Bad Boys we saw the peacock attempting to seduce the peahen in a lavish visual display as part of his courtship; likewise birds sing to attract mates.  The chemical reaction may begin with one sense but is short-lived if other senses are not stimulating further chemical releases.  I am more than happy to state Johnny Depp’s face pleases me, and also that his accent warms the cockles of my heart (or perhaps another part of the body).  One sense may even overthrow the pleasure signals received from another, for example you may be attracted to a Marilyn Monroe look-alike blind-date but if you have an affinity for a subtle foreign accent and the woman opens her mouth and utters greetings like an Essex girl on speed, I would advise you not to cast lots on a relationship ensuing.

In humans we are aware that these drives have an individualised focus.  I have already touched upon visual attraction: we have universal beauty explained by the golden proportion and also my suggestion of personal facial geometry (in Be True To Yourself).  It kind of implies one man’s poison is another man’s elixir.  In the above paragraph, the example clearly shows what we hear has its importance also.  Following from that, what about smells?  There won’t be many adults in the land who haven’t heard of the word pheromones, for we are looking, or rather smelling beyond soap, shampoo and Eau de the-latest-celebrity-pong.  As a woman I am aware my pheromones alter throughout my menstrual cycle and I know they are more seductive during ovulation (and as a writer that is a pleasant way of stating that I smell stronger, in a good way, prior to menstruation).  As for you sweaty men instigating the odd whiffy attraction perhaps you should take a peak here so that you are not tempted to go overboard in the stale odour stakes.

Before leaving the subject of the use of our senses in relation to chemistry, I would like to share this article.  It would appear male rodents are using song to attract mates and these songs start when the rodents come up against the pheromones in the urine of females.  So Ladies, the next time you’re tempted to urinate in the great outdoors because you cannot reach the lavatory in time, you may find some strange guy comes up to you and starts serenading you.

TIMING

I shall bypass compatibility temporarily and jump straight to timing.  In our lifetime we may meet up with a person with whom each sense is fully sated.  In other words we each receive a glut of signals which in turn releases chemicals and a strong desire to copulate.  Throw compatibility into the mix and this relationship becomes more than just an instinctual desire to fuck or make love.  Unfortunately if the timing is poor then the potential for one of us walking off into the distance is high and possibly leaving devastation in our wake.

Timing is a concept that is often only recognised with regards to relationships, in its negative context.  Poor timing brings about the impairment of the ability to fully connect with another person in a deep and meaningful way due to some past or present event(s), such as the loss of a significant relationship, resulting in emotional turmoil in one’s life.  Other stresses and losses may compound this. - Michelle

The easiest way of showing the importance of poor timing is to give an example.  Imagine the scenario of two people in love.  The sex is spectacular, there are no body image issues between the pair and not only are they happy to wake up and find themselves occasionally snuggled into the other’s armpit, morning breath does not pose a problem.  The chemistry box is well and truly ticked.  We now move onto the couple’s compatibility.  Their level of intelligence is similar even though life may have taken them on totally different routes, and they also have a similar sense of humour.  These two are open-minded and liberal so no presence of political, racial or religious bigotry on either side will upset the apple cart, and both are eager to learn from the other.  As for personalities, these are either immediately compatible or have the potential to achieve compatibility.  Another box ticked.  So where is the problem? 

On the face of it there doesn’t appear to be one.  Then you see something starts to sneak between the two.  That something is fear.  The fear that something might or might not happen, and that fear is directly related to a past event.  The event is a relationship breakdown and acrimonious divorce.  Fear is not always tangible nor does it have to be conscious, so how can one deal with it?  If we have a phobia such as arachnophobia then we may choose avoidance by refusing to go into the arachnid and reptilian house at the zoo, or we may choose removal by asking another person to get rid of that huge monster of a spider which has just run across the lounge carpet (or the vacuum cleaner comes in mighty handy if there is no hero or heroine around).  Similarly, if we fear getting hurt emotionally because our last significant relationship caused immense emotional pain, do we choose avoidance (now a little difficult having found ourselves in the midst of a new significant relationship, which is the very reason for the fear arising) or do we rid ourselves of that relationship?  Would that not in itself produce hurt?  Or could we reduce emotional entanglement?

The latter is chosen on a subconscious level.  Let us suppose it is the female on the receiving end of her partner’s fear, her own behaviour is very likely to be affected.  One minute the couple is connecting on a very deep level and she feels secure, but the next, the barriers are up and her lover is psychologically pushing her away or holding her at arms’ length.  Her behaviour may in turn mirror his as she now tries to protect herself from the arising fear SHE may get hurt.  Alternatively or additionally she may behave in a way she feels is protecting her lover and suppresses her own feelings, her own insecurities.  Her change in behaviour directly affects his and this increases his barriers.  Neither of the two are consciously breaking down the barriers and one of these two (if not both) is going to walk away and take that fear (or suppressed fear) into the next significant relationship. 

The saddest thing is that the potential for repairing this issue, for removing this fear, was high in this relationship.  As we go onto Part Two of Relationship Must Haves keep “the potential to repair” in mind as we now turn our attention to the subject of compatibility.