Earlier in my Blog I intimated a relationship has
three major requirements for success and longevity: chemistry, compatibility
and timing.
CHEMISTRY
Does the first, chemistry,
need an introduction? It is a term banded
about on dating sites and between members, and for some people remains
elusive. Well let us go with what we
know: we see a person to whom we are attracted.
The most obvious point of attraction is that we find their physical
appearance attractive and this pleases us; in fact this information goes to our
brain and triggers our pleasure signals.
Biologically we have undergone a release of hormones within our
brain. The chemical reaction has begun. More often than not due to internet dating, this
begins with a photograph; and this reaction goes to prove that looks are a very
important aspect of attraction. So, for
those people who scream that taking looks into account is shallow, my advice is
to stop fighting something that is perfectly natural.
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| Oh so many pics to choose from |
We humans share these biological drives, these hormones
which are released due to the sensory information, with our animal compatriots. Procreation is the nature of the beast,
so-to-speak. In Bad Boys we saw
the peacock attempting to seduce the peahen in a lavish visual display as part
of his courtship; likewise birds sing to attract mates. The chemical reaction may begin with one
sense but is short-lived if other senses are not stimulating further chemical
releases. I am more than happy to state
Johnny Depp’s face pleases me, and also that his accent warms the cockles of my
heart (or perhaps another part of the body).
One sense may even overthrow the pleasure signals received from another,
for example you may be attracted to a Marilyn Monroe look-alike blind-date but
if you have an affinity for a subtle foreign accent and the woman opens her
mouth and utters greetings like an Essex girl on speed, I would advise you not
to cast lots on a relationship ensuing.
In humans we are aware that these drives have an individualised focus. I have already touched
upon visual attraction: we have universal beauty explained by the golden
proportion and also my suggestion of personal facial geometry (in Be True To Yourself). It kind of implies one man’s
poison is another man’s elixir. In the
above paragraph, the example clearly shows what we hear has its importance
also. Following from that, what about
smells? There won’t be many adults in
the land who haven’t heard of the word pheromones, for we are looking, or
rather smelling beyond soap, shampoo and Eau de the-latest-celebrity-pong. As a woman I am aware my pheromones alter
throughout my menstrual cycle and I know they are more seductive during
ovulation (and as a writer that is a pleasant way of stating that I smell
stronger, in a good way, prior to menstruation). As for you sweaty men instigating the odd
whiffy attraction perhaps you should take a peak here so that you are not
tempted to go overboard in the stale odour stakes.
Before leaving the subject of the
use of our senses in relation to chemistry, I would like to share this article. It would appear male rodents are using song
to attract mates and these songs start when the rodents come up against the
pheromones in the urine of females. So
Ladies, the next time you’re tempted to urinate in the great outdoors because
you cannot reach the lavatory in time, you may find some strange guy comes up
to you and starts serenading you.
TIMING
I shall bypass
compatibility temporarily and jump straight to timing. In our lifetime we may meet up with a person
with whom each sense is fully sated. In
other words we each receive a glut of signals which in turn releases chemicals
and a strong desire to copulate. Throw
compatibility into the mix and this relationship becomes more than just an
instinctual desire to fuck or make love.
Unfortunately if the timing is poor then the potential for one of us
walking off into the distance is high and possibly leaving devastation in our
wake.
Timing is a
concept that is often only recognised with regards to relationships, in its negative
context. Poor timing brings about the impairment
of the ability to fully connect with another person in a deep and meaningful
way due to some past or present event(s), such as the loss of a significant relationship,
resulting in emotional turmoil in one’s life.
Other stresses and losses may compound this. - Michelle
The easiest way
of showing the importance of poor timing is to give an example. Imagine the scenario of two people in
love. The sex is spectacular, there are
no body image issues between the pair and not only are they happy to wake up
and find themselves occasionally snuggled into the other’s armpit, morning
breath does not pose a problem. The
chemistry box is well and truly ticked.
We now move onto the couple’s compatibility. Their level of intelligence is similar even
though life may have taken them on totally different routes, and they also have
a similar sense of humour. These two are
open-minded and liberal so no presence of political, racial or religious
bigotry on either side will upset the apple cart, and both are eager to learn
from the other. As for personalities,
these are either immediately compatible or have the potential to achieve
compatibility. Another box ticked. So where is the problem?
On the face of
it there doesn’t appear to be one. Then
you see something starts to sneak between the two. That something is fear. The fear that something might or might not
happen, and that fear is directly related to a past event. The event is a relationship breakdown and
acrimonious divorce. Fear is not always
tangible nor does it have to be conscious, so how can one deal with it? If we have a phobia such as arachnophobia
then we may choose avoidance by refusing to go into the arachnid and reptilian
house at the zoo, or we may choose removal by asking another person to get rid
of that huge monster of a spider which has just run across the lounge carpet
(or the vacuum cleaner comes in mighty handy if there is no hero or heroine
around). Similarly, if we fear getting
hurt emotionally because our last significant relationship caused immense
emotional pain, do we choose avoidance (now a little difficult having found
ourselves in the midst of a new significant relationship, which is the very
reason for the fear arising) or do we rid ourselves of that relationship? Would that not in itself produce hurt? Or could we reduce emotional entanglement?
The latter is
chosen on a subconscious level. Let us
suppose it is the female on the receiving end of her partner’s fear, her own
behaviour is very likely to be affected.
One minute the couple is connecting on a very deep level and she feels
secure, but the next, the barriers are up and her lover is psychologically
pushing her away or holding her at arms’ length. Her behaviour may in turn mirror his as she
now tries to protect herself from the arising fear SHE may get hurt. Alternatively or additionally she may behave in a way she
feels is protecting her lover and suppresses her own feelings, her own insecurities. Her change in behaviour directly affects his
and this increases his barriers. Neither
of the two are consciously breaking down the barriers and one of these two (if
not both) is going to walk away and take that fear (or suppressed fear) into
the next significant relationship.
The saddest
thing is that the potential for repairing this issue, for removing this fear,
was high in this relationship. As we go onto Part Two of Relationship Must Haves keep “the potential to repair” in
mind as we now turn our attention to the subject of compatibility.
