- Do not have sex on a first date!
Why not? If the two of you are horny or there is a modicum of chemistry and neither is pressurising the other, then why not? It is the 21st Century after-all and sometimes a woman wants a break from her best friend the rabbit, and a man wants a break from his favourite blistered hand. Just remember to play safe. Leave contact details with a trusted person and remember to take condoms.
It is worth noting if you are on the look out just for sexual encounters then there are plenty of sites which cater specifically for these liaisons. However, the more conventional dating sites are keeping up with the times and list intimate encounters as much of an option as short or long-term dating intents. Many people nowadays do not want emotional entanglements but do want regular intimate encounters.
I would suggest to you if you fear the consequence of your choice then perhaps you are not quite ready to behave in this manner. Society has us enmeshed in all sorts of rules (norms). Quite often we feel compelled to conform to those norms. It is liberating to break free from these, often self-induced pressures, providing it is truly personal choice and also not illegal. If a poor choice is made then do not regret it, but see what you can take from it; learn from it.
Be warned though, there never will be a parity between demand and supply on any dating site. Here's a fun allegory: one fine day a bakery receives five female customers, who see a variety of savoury and sweet cakes, 15 in all. Woman One walked passed the shop and was seduced by its tempting smells, but when she entered the shop and looked at each cake upon the counter (among which were the different flavoured muffins, the Choux pastries, the fresh cream cakes, and the jam filled doughnuts), not one successfully reached out to her and said "choose me". She left the shop empty handed. Woman Two had driven to the shop to fulfil her craving for a coffee flavoured éclair. When she could not locate her choice she asked the baker, who told her that option was not available, and offered a chocolate éclair instead. Knowing her own mind the woman was not to be persuaded in trying something different; she also left the shop empty handed. Women Three and Four did not spend too much time deliberating about their choices, one knew she wanted a muffin and decided to treat herself to an iced one and the other did not have a sweet tooth so chose something savoury. Woman Five went into the shop and was desperate to fill a small hole (absolutely no pun intended of course). She settled on a gingerbread man. But would you believe it, this gingerbread man took one look at the female customer and before the baker could charge the woman, the gingerbread man was seen jumping off the counter and running for his life. Some of the other customers present reported that they heard him shout "run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man".
Hopefully the story shows, in a fun way, that the number of available men and women is irrelevant. In my story I chose a higher ratio of cakes to women to depict the assumption of more men register on dating sites than women. However I do not have statistics to provide evidence (but the fact that some dating sites have free membership for women only, certainly suggests this). Back to my story, you can see that the variety of cakes reflects the variety of men: ethnicity, culture, age, height, personality and personal desires is not an exclusive list. To state the obvious, this same variety exists in their female counterparts. There has to be some compatibility from the viewpoint of one or both genders.
I would suggest to you if you fear the consequence of your choice then perhaps you are not quite ready to behave in this manner. Society has us enmeshed in all sorts of rules (norms). Quite often we feel compelled to conform to those norms. It is liberating to break free from these, often self-induced pressures, providing it is truly personal choice and also not illegal. If a poor choice is made then do not regret it, but see what you can take from it; learn from it.
Be warned though, there never will be a parity between demand and supply on any dating site. Here's a fun allegory: one fine day a bakery receives five female customers, who see a variety of savoury and sweet cakes, 15 in all. Woman One walked passed the shop and was seduced by its tempting smells, but when she entered the shop and looked at each cake upon the counter (among which were the different flavoured muffins, the Choux pastries, the fresh cream cakes, and the jam filled doughnuts), not one successfully reached out to her and said "choose me". She left the shop empty handed. Woman Two had driven to the shop to fulfil her craving for a coffee flavoured éclair. When she could not locate her choice she asked the baker, who told her that option was not available, and offered a chocolate éclair instead. Knowing her own mind the woman was not to be persuaded in trying something different; she also left the shop empty handed. Women Three and Four did not spend too much time deliberating about their choices, one knew she wanted a muffin and decided to treat herself to an iced one and the other did not have a sweet tooth so chose something savoury. Woman Five went into the shop and was desperate to fill a small hole (absolutely no pun intended of course). She settled on a gingerbread man. But would you believe it, this gingerbread man took one look at the female customer and before the baker could charge the woman, the gingerbread man was seen jumping off the counter and running for his life. Some of the other customers present reported that they heard him shout "run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man".
Hopefully the story shows, in a fun way, that the number of available men and women is irrelevant. In my story I chose a higher ratio of cakes to women to depict the assumption of more men register on dating sites than women. However I do not have statistics to provide evidence (but the fact that some dating sites have free membership for women only, certainly suggests this). Back to my story, you can see that the variety of cakes reflects the variety of men: ethnicity, culture, age, height, personality and personal desires is not an exclusive list. To state the obvious, this same variety exists in their female counterparts. There has to be some compatibility from the viewpoint of one or both genders.
- Do not talk about the Ex/Exes!
Why not? That might limit the conversation somewhat if you have just come out of a long relationship and merely want to use your ex as a point of reference. Ideally though your first date should not be the person you vent to if you are angry about your ex, and likewise your date should not be the shoulder to cry on if you have not finished grieving over the loss of the last relationship. Of course it may be that you are over any issues associated with your Ex, or perhaps only over the negative issues and have proceeded to place them upon a pedestal. This may result in you unintentionally intimidating your date or simply denting their over-inflated egotistical personality.It may be a simple rule of thumb never to discuss Exes on a first date if there is any superfluous emotion attached. If you are faced with someone who is discussing their Ex then consider the context in which they are discussed. Observe the emotion which accompanies the discussion and of course the content. If all three suggest the person has deep issues then... well it is not my place to tell you to keep a wide berth.
I have been on a date with a guy who spoke all night about his ex-girlfriend. The context was one of yearning. I gently reflected back his discussions and asked him if he was ready to date. Of course he was not, but our date allowed him to recognise that. thefreedictionary.com defines a date as: an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest. Only the romantic aspect would have considered that date as a total failure. I have grown not to hold any romantic expectations and so see dates as a purely social engagement.
Often life throws up complexities where we would rather not see them. I sat across the table from this guy who had the most gorgeous deep brown eyes. I wanted to lose myself in them (yes I do pertain to sentimentality on the rare occasion). This guy spoke of his soon-to-be ex-wife (divorce was progressing). The emotional attachment was only slight, but the context concerned his baby son and responsibilities. It was sad to see this man tormenting himself. A new woman in his life at that time would only have complicated matters. I did gain from this social interaction though, B was the first guy I had been attracted to since my ex-boyfriend. Chemistry sure can be elusive.
Have I been "guilty" of discussing my Ex/Exes? You bet! I still maintain the importance lies in content, context and emotional attachment.
- Size Matters!
A touchy subject, men worry about not being large enough with regards to a certain appendage. Whereas women tend to worry about the over-all size of their figure. So does it matter? Since I am female it makes sense to first discuss something I am familiar with: the female body. As an adult my body weight has varied from eight stone to 12 stone, and my body size from an eight to an 18. I was at my biggest just after giving birth to my youngest daughter and in great haste to get out of pregnancy clothing and into normal clothing. As most nursing mothers will tell you: breast-feeding is not the time to be fretting over diets. I began to lose weight prior to divorcing and so went into dating with a new found confidence in my body. This confidence helped me to wear clothing I had not been seen in a while and it made me feel sexy. Fast forward several years and a hormone dysfunction has seen the weight rise again. Should I stop feeling sexy because of it? Hell no! I simply wear clothing that detracts from the wobbly bits I hate and enhances those areas I am proud of. Us girls just need to work out what cuts, patterns, materials and colours can flatter us and those that work against us.
Back to does size matter? Some people state no. What is for certain is that it really is a personal preference. This preference may have something to do with a person's own size or those in whose company they feel at home with and therefore have its roots in personal experiences. Personally I prefer a heavier set person to someone slim, thin or athletic, but I will point out that even when I was slim I did not find myself attracted to slim guys.
Whatever figure you are currently blessed with, whether due to genes, hormonal dysfunction, or gym attendance then carry it with an air of confidence and clothe it with conscious attention: if you want to go out looking like you have slept in your clothes, if you want to look like you have just stepped out of a convent, if you want to look like a sixties reject, then do it all consciously.
Weight issues are not exclusive to females but due to the media and their stick thin models, us girls do tend to feel the pressures more than the guys. The best advice for both sexes in this section is clothing yourself with an air of confidence and conscious attention, together with knowing what cuts, patterns, materials and colours can flatter the body shape and skin tone.
- Treat them mean, keep them keen!
And what planet are you on? This is my reaction to the extreme of the repetitive cycle of acting interested then backing off and acting cool. This might work with some personality types but it is not going to work with them all. In fact it might backfire.
On a serious note (oops semi-serious) it may be a good idea not to do the complete opposite and come across overly keen as this can scare some people off, regardless of gender.
On a serious note (oops semi-serious) it may be a good idea not to do the complete opposite and come across overly keen as this can scare some people off, regardless of gender.
With-holding sex on the first, second or even third date when it is obvious you both want to move to the next phase can work. Girls it does actually keep men interested.
Have you heard the expression "Women like bad boys!"? Well some men seem to think "bad boys" is synonymous with "treat them mean and keep them keen". I think this subject is worthy of it's own discussion.
Have you heard the expression "Women like bad boys!"? Well some men seem to think "bad boys" is synonymous with "treat them mean and keep them keen". I think this subject is worthy of it's own discussion.
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