Philosophy - Pursuing Happiness

Think Outside The Box

Ever read something, heard something or had a thought enter your mind for you to disregard as too ridiculous to be true, only to find years later you are drawn to that very idea?

For thousands of years man has been evolving and thinking.  He has been passing on weird and wonderful thoughts that our personal fabric of life has us accepting, disregarding or yearning to know more about.

Being taught about the concept of reincarnation as a school-child intrigued me, but it was not a philosophy I could absorb and take into my very being.  Yet now I am happy to acknowledge previous lives and am determined, similarly like Hindus and Buddhists, to escape that very cycle of rebirth.  Within a year of my eldest daughter's birth I watched her commune with the unseen and within months of the birth of my youngest daughter I came to believe, from observing unlearned behaviour, she was an old soul.  Interestingly these two children (out of five) were unplanned.  


It may appear as though I lean towards Eastern philosophy.  In fact I  have begun to embrace both Eastern and Western thought, just as I embrace emotion and rationale (seen generally as feminine and masculine traits respectively), ego and higher self,  and physical and the metaphysical realities.  My belief takes a dualism approach (a state of two parts) which, through balance, leads to monism (a state of "oneness", of unity, of interconnectedness).  

Let us take a peek at wisdom through the ages and across the continents.  In this chapter we are looking at:

Pursuing Happiness

Many philosophers discuss the idea of hedonism, their ideas vary and consequently result in different types.  Socrates (c.469-399BC) states (through Plato c.429-347BC) that we are all hedonists: aspiring to maximise our pleasure and minimise our pain.  He saw pleasure as good and pain as bad.  In his view this is not hedonism in the sense of pleasure for one at the expense of others, or an indulgence of immediate pleasures without considering long term consequences.  In fact it is the opposite as Socrates believed that via knowledge we could be both virtuous and happy, and that bad is only committed through ignorance.  He publicly encouraged people to regularly scrutinise their lives philosophically. 


Moving on to the not-so-distant past we have Jeremy Bentham (1748-1832) advocating correct moral behaviour through collective happiness.  Quoting from the above link: Bentham’s greatest happiness principle states that actions are immoral if they are not the action that appears to maximise the happiness of all the people likely to be affected.  His main slant for measuring pleasure for the individual was through the aspect of pleasure's intensity, duration and quantity.  The quality of the source of the pleasure was largely ignored due to its subjective nature, this is shown in Hayden's "You Kant Make It Up" example of Dan Brown (highly successful present day author) versus William Shakespeare (literary legend).  Bentham's student John Stuart Mill (1806-1873), however, argued for the quality aspect of pleasure.  He differentiated quality into lower and higher pleasures: lower pleasures which satisfy our basic physical needs being the animals we are (such as food and sex - and, a note from your Devi: sometimes enjoyably coupled) and higher pleasures, assumed as uniquely human, which satisfy our minds, (such as enjoyment of the opera, poetry, art, friendship and virtuousness).  This view had been brought about due to Mill suffering a period of mental illness as a young man.  He believed it was through the higher pleasure of reading poetry by William Wordsworth that lifted the depression.

For those of you interested in mental health issues, in particular depression, there are biological, psychological and social aspects of the condition.  Depression nowadays is treated (or should be) according to all these factors.  The NHS (British National Health Service) can prescribe medications and refer to talking therapies; exercise, proper nutrition and sleep hygiene are all encouraged; and, a sufferer's support networks should be looked into.  Mill would actually have benefited from a combination of his "higher and lower pleasures". As he discovered, occupying the mind is incredibly beneficial, but dependent upon the severity of the depression, this may not be an immediate possibility.

Mill was not the first philosopher to advocate higher pleasures.  Epicurus (341-270BC) placed greater value on intellectual pleasure over and above physical pleasure.  Happiness, in his view, was measured by the absence of pain (especially mental), the moderation of physical desires and the cultivation of friendships.  He took a broad look at life and recognised that some instantaneous pleasure pursuits later developed into pain (such as a heavy consumption of alcohol or food) and therefore should be avoided.  Having suffered much ill-health Epicurus rationalised that experiencing physical pain was a lesser evil than experiencing mental anguish because physical pain was of the present whereas mental anguish could revile time in the form of past hauntings, present psychological trauma and fear of the future.  


Not all hedonism emerges overtly.  Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679) has suggested that benevolent acts are not as selfless as they first seem.  In fact they too can be hedonistic for they meet the desires and needs of such charitable people.  These acts are grounded in self-interest. You may like to note this can be linked to the article of co-dependence on my Bibliography page if benevolence requires reward/praise/affirmation in its hedonistic pursuit.  On the opposite side of this paradoxical coin Ayn Rand (1905-1982) described selfishness as a virtue.  She (yes finally a female voice in this male dominated area) subscribed to the egoist* view of the right to pursue one's own happiness, motivated by one's own rational interests and desires.  Ayn was not interested in desires driven by whims or emotions, but desires through the faculty of reasoning.  


When one acts according to their own interests and desires, this selfishness is only negative when it incurs the sacrifice of others to the self.  In some small way in the world of dating we can infer the negative connotation from profiles of people stating something on the lines of "I want someone to make me happy".  No person can make another happy, it has to come from within.  We have to take the responsibility of our own happiness.

*Egoism is not to be confused with egotism - the self-inflating of one's own importance.

According to Siddhartha Gautama (b.6th century BC), known as The (supreme) Buddha, nothing is permanent and as such all is transitory:  pleasure may lead to pain, success may lead to failure or dissatisfaction, and life leads to death (which then leads to rebirth). Happiness is only a fleeting state as life is suffering.  We have no control over these things but we can learn to control how our mind reacts*.  Gautama composed his Eightfold Path as the route to end all suffering (including the cycle of rebirth) with the attainment of Nirvana.  This lifestyle choice, even even two and a half millennia later, can assist the integrated development of knowledge, and moral and emotional behaviours.


*I learned many years ago that you cannot change the past but you can change how it affects your present.  A few years ago I attended several meditation sessions at my local Buddhist centre.  It is something I would happily do regularly should my work pattern ever permit it.  All faiths are welcome.  In a world which is fast-paced and often chaotic, this is a haven of tranquillity. 

So what is the message here?

I am of the opinion it is perfectly acceptable to have hedonistic beliefs, ie: to seek pleasure for ourselves with the minimum amount of pain.  Like Epicurus I would suggest you look at the bigger picture and hence consider future consequences.  A lifestyle of vice such as gluttony or promiscuity may initially be fun, but eventually could have severe health implications.  I do not believe Socrates was wrong when he declared we are all hedonists (even those amongst us who are altruistic and/or benevolent).  However,  since we are not all as virtuous as Socrates would have us believe (even after acquiring knowledge), consideration should be given to the way pleasure is sought.  My advice would be to seek pleasure for ourselves but where we may also achieve pleasure for others, at the minimum of expense to all concerned.  Although immeasurable this can magnify or prolong our pleasure; consider when you have made someone laugh or prevented them from feeling pain, did you not notice your pleasure receptors swell?


Let us put a modern twist on things: you are in a marriage where sex is but a distant memory.  Your relationship with your partner is more like a business relationship: you both deal with the financial and household chores and are even polite over breakfast, but gone are the days of bodice-ripping.  You join a dating site, one which endorses intimate encounters - you desire the pleasure of another person's body upon yours.  The instant pleasures are obvious should you successfully meet a like-minded person, but are you up for the possible long-term consequences?  Consequences such as a traumatic end to the marriage, disputes over child arrangements, and disruption of relationships with close friends and extended family.  Could you not have sought pleasure through the seduction of your own partner, seeking what once thrilled the pair of you?  If the marriage cannot be revitalised then communicate with your partner as to whether it has any value continuing.  Your partner may actually surprise you in also wanting the release from the marital bond, hence seeking numerous intimate encounters becomes an option without the burden of deceit. Quite clearly this latter action follows the premise of: seek pleasure for ourselves but where we may also achieve pleasure for others, at the minimum of expense to all concerned.

Intelligent Dating

Intelligent dating is something we can all aspire to.  I had some issues on naming this chapter, fortunately poetic licence allows me some leeway. Mis-association often occurs with the words intelligent and intelligence.  The subject of the matter is often associated with being an intellectual, due to omitting, for example, an adverb. Couple the adverb highly with intelligent and you are indeed able to make a more appropriate inference to "intellectual".

Communication, Communication, Communication

The fact of the matter is that we all have some level of intelligence: we all have a capacity of learning, reasoning and understanding.  It is not about being an intellectual or becoming one, it is about using your innate faculty for reasoning and understanding, with the potential of increasing this capacity through using our cognitive abilities.  By having an overview of the world, the inhabitants, the history, the physical and metaphysical properties, the relationship to us and the cosmos, and of our own abilities of expression through creation (think music, think architecture, think prose and think art), we will not only have broadened our horizons through knowledge, we will also have improved our mode of communication.  


One of the barriers of communication is prejudice, which is far too often a negative pre-conceived and ill-informed idea regarding a person or group of people.  Remove this prejudice through knowledge and you open the doors to a world of new possibilities.  Bypassing the actual content of communication for a moment we can look at how we communicate with others and recognise our differing styles dependant upon who we are communicating with; we have already touched upon diversity in dating.  Ultimately my intention is to raise the degree to which we can all promote ourselves and therefore attract a larger audience.  Communication is, therefore, of crucial importance.


Returning to the content of communication, gaining the overview as above may have the additional benefit of enabling one to converse upon a diverse range of subjects. This could then enable you to become an entertaining dating companion.  Remember, no-one can promise you to be successful in finding your ideal mate or soul mate if that is your aim, but you can help you to discover yourself, and in turn discover who and what ticks those pleasure receptor boxes we all have.

Relating To Others

As you progress through my chapters you will find I am trying to impart knowledge.  Knowledge which will help you look at the world and everything in it differently to perhaps you are used to, but discovering an interconnectedness.  


To reiterate the point why: to help you relate to and communicate with others, specifically potential dating companions.   Most of us, as we go through life, judge things using ourselves as the benchmark: we subconsciously judge according to whether another's behaviour matches what we think our own would be in those particular circumstances.  There are two  problems arising from this:

• This person is not you but a unique individual. "All people are the sum of their genes, experiences and ever-changing thoughts and emotions at one moment in time."  I am quoting from my chapter: Blah blah blah from other sites
• Would you actually outwardly behave differently under the same circumstances? 

If our judgements are negative of a person's behaviour, our egos may have us believe we would behave in a somewhat superior way.  Is that because our minds have worked out, through hindsight, the right mode of action?  Unless we have studied and practised what Buddhists and psychologists call mindfulness then our own reaction is exactly that: a split second reaction to certain stimuli, which sometimes even surprises ourselves and we term it 'acting out of character'.

The first section of Intelligent Dating covers philosophy and it considers our relationship with the world and each other, through some of histories greatest thinkers.  

Philosophy and You

I cannot imagine that philosophy is word you have not heard of, but do you know what it really is about? According to dictionary.com philosophy is the rational investigation of the truths and principles of being, knowledge, or conduct.  The etymology (origin) of the word is Greek meaning 'loving wisdom'. Many historical philosophers were polymaths: their expertise covered a multitude of subjects, so among them were theologians, mathematicians and physicists. The Greeks were considered the founding fathers of Western Philosophy such as Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, and certainly not forgetting  Pythagoras; who is known to all school children due to his Theorem regarding the right angle triangle  (the square of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the squares of the other two sides).  How could one forget that master-piece which has helped us all sail through life.  Okay I hold my hands up and admit that I would rather delve into literature than numbers.  Having stated that, I do have a respect for the importance of numbers in life, and especially geometry.  It's relevance can be seen here: Be True To Yourself.

Let us begin by removing our egocentric blinkers and cease looking at the world in this narrow way.  Let us look at how we can relate to the world and open ourselves up so that we can dispose of that isolation apparel we sometimes wear.  Let us look at the bigger picture where we will find we are not alone and how we can learn to relate to other people for our personal benefit.   Let us look to the next chapter...

Dating Diversity

Get Ahead of the Game


If you are hoping I have tips to help you date the likes of members from the 2009 Britain's Got Talent winning Dance Troupe, then you will be disappointed.  However if you want to immerse yourself in the discussion of dating members from the diverse society we have in the UK and many other parts of the world, then do read on.




Know Yourself


Individually we are the sum of genetics and experiences.  The scientific world has, for some time, acknowledged the importance of both sociology and biology in our individual make up.    The extent of the influences of the two and the extent to which they are entwined continues to fascinate psychologists in the nature-nurture debate.  The science of biology is continuously discovering amazing things regarding our genes.    What we may have once thought of as purely being the result of a socialisation dysfunction leading to poor lifestyle choices, may in fact be due to a genetic predilection (for example susceptibility to certain conditions such as obesity, or addictions: and in this case food addiction links in nicely with the mentioned condition - obesity).  Personally I think we will have to leave the scientists to hypothesise, theorise and conclude success or otherwise, amongst themselves, as we look at socialisation.  We are taught to conform to the society in which we are raised through our parents, and then through the institutions of school, religion and the workplace.  These are our primary and secondary socialisations respectively, which have evolved within our families, our communities and our countries throughout history. 


Know Yourself Through History

Historically Britain, for the past two millennia, has integrated cultures from the far-flung corners of the planet.  By 77AD Britannia became part of the Roman Empire.  Over a hundred years of invasions and resistances led to this moment (omitting Scotland as part of the equation).  Trade and industry flourished and the Romans physically stamped their mark upon us with roads, spas, buildings and towns.  In 312AD the Emperor Constantine, due to his own conversion, made Christianity legal.  The polytheistic pagan faiths of pre-Roman, Anglo-Saxon and Viking Britain eventually gave way to Christianity, it merely took several hundred years for it's integration.

From this site we cannot only see the history of our cultural and religious heritage but how immigration overtook invasions to instil the present multi-faith fabric we have in Britain.  "The 20th century sees two World Wars, the dismantling of Empire and decolonisation - all of which impact on the religious landscape of Britain, ushering in an era of secularisation and a breakdown of traditional religious authority. But this era also brings larger communities of Muslims, Sikhs, Hindus and Black Christians from far-flung parts of the Empire to help with the post-war reconstruction of Britain."  I believe it is important to be aware of how the British people came about.  Many of us can trace our ancestors to the mainland of Europe and beyond, to the other continents.  This story in itself is repeated throughout the ancient and modern world due to empires rising, conquering, and falling.

Know Your Date Through Their History

You may find yourself attracted to someone of a different ethnicity/culture/race to your own but your fear of the unknown makes you reticent in approaching her.  So do you bypass the opportunity due to lack of knowledge, or worse due to ill-informed prejudices?

You could go and camp out in your local library researching cultures, sub-cultures, religions and histories, but chances are you would not then find time to actually date. How about arming yourself with some facts and thereby vanquishing some of the unknown.  Do a little homework and I am sure your date will be thrilled at the effort you have made.  

Religion: is a good starting place, for many cultures have evolved around religion and its practices.  Did you know that Judaism, Islam and Christianity have one very strong connection?  They are Abrahamic faiths.  Put simply this means the God of Abraham is Yahweh, Jehovah and Allah.  Yes different names for the same omnipotent being.  Hindus are known for worshipping many Gods and Goddesses, but if you look into their religion you will discover these divinities are manifestations of one almighty power, Brahman. They understand "God" is beyond comprehension of mere mortals and worship these manifestations as different aspects of the One.  Yoga originates from Hindu as a way to connect with the Divine.  Buddhism, Jainism and Sikhism are all offshoots of Hinduism. The Oriental religions of Taoism (aka Daoism) and Confucianism (Chinese origin) and Shinto (Japanese origin) are very much concerned with the Cosmos as opposed to a named all powerful divinity.  Ch'i is the vital life force which runs through everything and connects all, and as such humans are expected to live harmoniously with it.  Deities have often been adopted from older religions, other regions, or are historical notables who have been deified; all are venerated alongside ancestors.  Feng-shui, originally used to find auspicious sites for certain buildings, has its roots in Taoism.

Language: it is unlikely your prospective date cannot speak English, but have you considered how enthralled he may be if you was to greet him in his mother tongue?  Even better if your accent is so far removed from the language you are attempting.  This ice-breaker can cause you both to laugh as he tries to correct your twang.  Try here for multiple translation options and to hear the foreign word or words.

Prior to meeting F, I had engaged in sending texts in French via the mobile telephone. During our relationship I also made the effort, at least in part, writing in French within the emails and also prose which I wrote.  Speaking French with him was an arduous task, unfortunately due to an unforgiving ear: his, and my awful accent.  I was much better at the written word.  I do, however, still attempt  a few simple words in greeting patients whose native language is not English.  

Expectations: will you be concerned over how you should dress when meeting your prospective date?  I would suggest you dress according to the chosen venue.  If you should happen to choose a seaside venue, I would strongly recommend that you avoid emulating Borat at all costs.  If you are going on a dinner date and are concerned about Halal, Kosher, forbidden foods, vegetarianism, then DO discuss this prior to the date.  There are similarities between kosher and halal prepared foods and their lists of permissible and forbidden foods:  Jews and Muslims will not eat pigs, nor consume the blood of animals.  Do not be hoping to seduce any Jewish lady with oysters and lobsters for these are forbidden also, only fish with scales and fins may be eaten.  Many Muslims consider creatures of the ocean naturally Halal.  Most  Hindus are vegetarian but of those who do eat meat, do not be offering a juicy steak, as the cow is considered sacred.

The bottom line is that you immediately open the doors of communication with your prospective date.  Talk to them and ask them questions.  After-all, although a pizza restaurant may seem a safe bet, your Jewish guy will not be wanting to sample your meat feast pizza when dairy foods should not be presented with meat products!

Dating Disasters/Anecdotes: Your Turn

Whilst I compose more dating subject matter for your perusal, I had the fantastic idea of involving you.  Now I do not lay claim to it being an original idea but it could prove to be fun.

Would you like to 

Share those dates which have made you scream and shout outside of the proverbial bedroom?  

Share those tender moments when you both laid eyes on each other and realised one of you looked nothing like the photographs?  

A wig wearing toupee?

Recall the times when both of you used the arrangement of "the emergency phone call" allowing escape from each others' clutches? 

Recall laughing so hard that your dentures landed in your pudding?

Remember running your hands through his hair during the kiss goodnight only to find as you stepped away his hair was still running through your hands, before the toupee dropped to the floor like a shocked chihuahua? 

All You Have To Do

• Is send your stories through the comment section here.  Alternatively send them to

datingdivination@hotmail.com

• Any details regarding the identification of your date need to be (or will become) confidential.  I suggest that you use the initial of the first name.  

• It is up to you whether you choose to remain anonymous.  Perhaps you too would just prefer the use of your initial(s).  I would like statistical details such as gender and age group though, please.

• Using the comment section, please note that nothing is published automatically. Also note that I cannot edit comments, so it is a case of publish the comment as sent or edit and place in the body of the Blog.

I do appreciate some people will want to contribute but the thought of writing an essay is daunting.  Be assured I am not judging a story writing competition and just a sentence may encapsulate all you want to state.

For those who are horrified at the thought of writing anything then perhaps you would like to enter in the spirit of things and send in your responses to my simple poll:

My Dating Disaster consisted of

1. Date not turning up
2. Date looking nothing like their photographs
3. Date having hygiene issues such as bad breath, abnormal or overpowering body odour, grimy fingernails
4. Date embarrassed him/herself or me
5. I embarrassed myself or date
6. I did not get a word in edgeways 
7. Other

Please feel free to elaborate on any of the pointers.  I do look forward to hearing from you.

Pssssttttt number six was one of my worst dating experiences.  Being able to talk for England and having a variety of opinions, I do not normally find it difficult to interact with people.  I am also very interested in hearing others' opinions and particularly the rationale behind them.  Well X was actually in a league of his own where talking was concerned; and deserved to be in that league, on his own.  He talked and talked and asked for my input, but then talked some more.  When I tried to interject he talked over me.  When I finally shut him up for two seconds he then proceeded to tell me my opinions were wrong. I can hear you asking me how opinions can be wrong when they are subjective beliefs: my point exactly.  Opinions are not normally black and white statements of fact, and in good communication would not be expressed as such, except by X of course.  Cue the need for a Stepford Wife for this charming and articulate gentleman.  Actually cue Churchill (the nodding dog):

This date occurred due to me not listening to my intuition. Nevertheless it has proved fruitful for I did need to be able to write something of a disastrous nature here. It would not surprise the pope or a pauper that I did not see this man again, but funnily enough it did surprise him. In fact he rebuked me for not making myself available for him to take me out again.  Apparently I was very aware at how much interest he had in me.  

Over To You
Ladies you are letting the side down.  From information I have gleaned, we females seem more likely to misrepresent ourselves through old photographs than our male counterparts, or even worse, use fake pictures.  Consider the fact that you are more likely to get hurt by a negative reaction face-to-face, from someone you may have spent hours communicating with, than if you put up a true likeness and men bypass you at the profile stage.


Here's an interesting story with a young lady's date turning up like a cross between Father Christmas and a Christmas Tree .  S was expecting G to turn up blond like his photograph, but alas he was as white as Father Christmas and wore a sparkly green top that merely needed a few baubles to set it off seasonally.  Keeping on the Christmas theme this young lady discovered G, unlike what she had seen in his photo, needed to make this request to Santa:

This same lady shared another tale: meeting with M one evening, she was pushed up against her car and before civil greetings had occurred, hands were wandering and his tongue entwining with her own.  Before long they entered the drinking establishment where she was to make her escape after nursing a solitary coffee.  This was not due to the amorous welcome but because she could not understand one word C uttered, and she did not wish to mock the affliction of this guy.  He had not explained to her he was deaf, which naturally affected his ability to communicate.  S quickly discovered an alternative exit from the establishment after making excuses to use the ladies' toilets.

Ladies are not the only ones to become victims of amorous intentions, but when the story is retold with relish, it is hardly perceived, even remotely, as a dating disaster.

S, this time a male, shared a couple of stories he had heard from one of his dates: One guy had been getting hot and steamy in a chat session with a woman and they therefore arranged to meet.  Upon her turning up he thought something was not quite right. He then realised he was sitting opposite a trannie! Having more than proverbial balls, he didn't leave until he finished his drink.  The second tale involved a guy having dinner with his date.  A man walked upto the table and declared: "You promised me you weren't going to do this again!".  The date simply told her husband to go home and then continued to dine.

Embarrassments

Do not have to be negative as one should be able to laugh at themselves.  I had one date, C, who looked like a hare trapped in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle.  We were merrily talking about this and that, and this and politics, and that and philosophy, and this and religion, and that and...  Well when we came to talking about sex he suddenly realised my voice was not naturally a quiet one.  Beats me as to why he had not noticed it before( you have met my sarcasm before reader?).  I guess, due to dealing with death, I take a pragmatic approach to all subjects.  The only time I am socially inhibited with regards to the talking about sex is when children are in close proximity.  C relaxed when he realised all the other diners were more interested in their partners than listening to the latest sexual expression I had discovered and was relaying.  We did meet again and I must declare he cooked steak and  Béarnaise sauce to perfection.

Bad Boys

Do you want to be or have one? 

An original bad boy

Are you a nice guy sick of girls passing you by because you think they want a bad boy?

Do your friends tell you to "treat them mean to keep them keen"?

Are you a girl who finds herself telling guys "you are nice, but..."?

Do you find yourself hankering after the elusive one?

In nature you will see courtships going on, it is aligned with the breeding season.  The male of the species works hard to get the female interested in him.  Likewise the human male may instinctively want to work hard to get a female.  Those who recognise this, may term it as the thrill of the chase.  Once "caught" the human female is no longer a challenge and the male may want to either back off or go to pastures new.  This primal instinct of "wash* and go" is also seen in the animal kingdom, particularly mammals, for monogamy is not prevalent here.  Interestingly it is often seen amongst birds.  Do feel free to swap wash for the slang equivalent of copulation.

Without being arrogant we humans are a little more evolved than many animals and have the ability to act beyond our primal instincts.  Perhaps having no universal human breeding season has assisted our copulatory evolution and we have veered away from some of our natural instincts.  Returning to the idea of wash and go, there may be something about the woman that refuses to let a man completely withdraw, so when her interests wane his instincts drive him forward to try again.  So ladies you can see men actually have to fight nature's propulsion to step outside this cycle, but having moved on from the times of the Neanderthal, man (or at least a  percentage) has evolved to be able to do just that.




What exactly is a bad boy?

According to Oxford Online Dictionary  a bad boy is "a man who does not conform to approved standards of behaviour, especially in a particular sphere of activity".  The Urban Dictionary has entries with phrases such as: "he's independent and wilful; he does what he wants when he wants; he doesn't follow trends, they follow him;", " A male individual who just couldn't give less of a flying rat's ass about anything", "a person of deep myth and circumstance, who's name is associated with all that is wrong/evil but at the same time being celebrated for the ability to come out unscathed from it all".  These expressions infer a bad boy is a rebellious, cocky or confident, self-centred individual.  Is it the rebellious nature that appeals to the opposite sex?  Or is the key word "confident".  Both sexes find confidence attractive.

Cockiness is confidence expressed in a conceited manner.  If you have ever visited a stately home you will, as I, have witnessed the peacock courtship dance. By returning to nature we can observe how the word cocky "strutting like a cock" can adhere to men who metaphorically show off their plumage in a bid to get the girl.  Read about this courtship dance and see just how far  human personality types mirror the natural world.  I have already suggested that just a percentage of men have evolved from their Neanderthal roots and overcome primal instincts.

Bad boy is not a role with expectations attached and though we have the generic dictionary definition, it does not give depth.  Rightly or wrongly we attribute our own thoughts to the term which broadens the spectrum of what a bad boy actually is.  Other terms associated with bad boy are players and Alpha males.

Personally I am drawn to the positive connotion of the term: Alpha male.  I look to nature and there I see a strong force with a protective nature.  Alpha males are often observed in dog and primate communities.  The Alpha male assumes the prime position in the animal community's hierarchy.  Other animals pay respect to him which has thus been earned due to his combined qualities (which may include intelligence as well as physical supremacy) and role attachments.  He has to protect the community from others, and protect his immediate group from usurpers.  This site shows the social structure  including the hierarchy, of primates alongside comparisons to human societies.


Unfortunately in our human society the Alpha male can be seen as an act: acting tough/loud/domineering/authoritarian/brash/conceited; and very seldom earns respect. That is unless it is harnessed in the business world.  Much of the Alpha male traits lean towards egotistical behaviour.  True Alpha males fight to get to the top, fight to stay there, fight to get what they want and fight for their loved ones, and would not label themselves thus due to the negative human connotation.  Give me an Alpha male, a real man who is true to his gender qualities and is emotionally intelligent; complete in himself but ready for female complementation.  It just makes me want to roar like the Alpha female I am.

Nice Guys

Let us take a look at what I have already shown: the peacock having strutted his stuff and the alpha male primate having fought for prime position, both of these animal examples show that animalistic assertiveness is needed to “get the girl”.  Nice guys do not generally exhibit this behaviour.  On the positive end of the spectrum a nice guy is genuinely a caring individual but on the negative end, we have someone seeking to please and seeking to be liked, a man awash with insecurities.  Nevertheless nice guys appear more in touch with their feminine side than bad boys.  Just considering that opposites attract (and ignoring the subject of homosexuality), why would us girls want to copulate or cohabit (with those copulatory tendencies) with another female or female simulation? No matter how much we humans have evolved we do still have our strong primal instincts.  However nice guys do make for better long term partners than bad boys.

Today’s society, particularly here in the West, is very confusing for our gender identities.  Roles have merged and the boundaries blurred.  The modern man and the modern woman have strived for equality, in both the workplace, at home and in leisure.  People listen up: men and women will NEVER be equal.  We are mentally wired up differently and of course have major biological differences to allow for procreation and survival of the species.  We should celebrate firstly our gender and then who we are individually.  I suggested early on that we use dating to get to know ourselves through the interaction of others.  It is only by getting to know ourselves that we become capable of knowing our desires concerning life partners, and by partners I am actually concurring that we can have several significant partners throughout our lifetimes (feel free to cast blame onto our generally non-monogamous species of primates).

Is there hope for bad boys and nice guys and their opposite gender equivalents?

Great news, of course there is.  The answer is simply getting to know yourself and embracing your qualities, faults and foibles.  As you learn to embrace all that is you, you will begin to like yourself, and eventually love yourself, in the non-Narcissistic way. You will become less needy: less attention seeking, less seeking to please others and sacrificing of your own needs.  Life itself will guide you.  All you have to do is heed your life's lessons.

I think we need to look at How? as another topic.