The Day of the Date: Player Aware

"and I wonder what she'll wear"

Nervous Much?

You have picked out your clothes, manicured your hands and totally preened yourself from head to toe ready for the date, and you girls have done exactly the same.  










The heart thumping adrenalin, arising from your nervous excitement plays a stronger beat than jungle drums but still you hear a whisper of a voice.  This voice is asking you if your date is going to turn out like a horror story or if they are even going to turn up.  You have already ascertained the prospective date is real by following the Blog's common sense guidelines of photo-swapping, having telephone conversations and perhaps even web-camming.  But... on the grapevine you have heard the term player.  

THE PLAYER

There are dating players and there are pre-dating players.  One of the definitions in the  Mirriam Webster On-line Dictionary for player is a person who plays a game.  In the world of dating it is easy to see that this person is playing at dating or playing at the processes involved in dating.  The term player is not normally applied to someone openly dating many (known as serial dating); therefore the term implies one is dishonest with their intent.  If a dating player gets dates by deception in order to increase the notches on the bedpost, likewise a pre-dating player wants to increase their e-notches. This person goes through the dating processes and makes a date.  Making a date is the mission, and when the mission is accomplished we have an e- (electronic) notch.  What this means to you is that this person has NO intention of meeting.

Shall we delve into the psychology of the wherefores and whys? No, as that would only delay your pre-dating task of damage control.  We would be hard pressed to prevent all such weasels from gaining their e-notches, but the good news is that we can limit its detrimental effect.

Simply disregard "him"  

You may view the pre-dating player who cancels the night before or even at the last minute, as one with a conscience or one continuing to play games (as he may want to have a repeat play); or, the one who does not cancel and you cannot get hold of him, as having no conscience or as a coward.  Actually let us not view him at all!  GUYS - I am sure there are not just male players out there so sit up and take note.






Damage Control

• Dating a person in your own comfort zone.  This guideline has an important rationale in this section too.  If you are stood up whilst on your own turf, it will be simple to divert your time and energy to an alternate activity. The Gym may be an excellent choice to burn off the adrenaline rush but the reality could be that you are hardly dressed for the part.  So diving into the cinema and finding a dark corner (as one does) to absorb the jittery mind, whilst further hormonal changes (think beyond male and female) occur, may cause the mascara to run.  Try waterproof mascara next time.  There may also be 24 hour shopping (for the most part), or friends living locally, to whom you can vent.

Fortunately I have never physically been stood up.  That simply means I have never gone to a venue and the guy has not turned up.  I have, however, had plenty of experiences of being let down.  The excuses are many and varied.  I think a typical one is the car breaking down.  An unusual one was of a grandfather dying and the grandson had spent all the previous night with him and then spent time arranging the funeral.  He had my sympathy until he added that last statement - white Caucasians do not have this instant funeral turn around.  Adding to that, this exhausted gentleman was telling me all this whilst logged onto the dating site the morning the date was due.  I will not repeat the obscenities from him responding to condolences and subtle bluff-calling as I recalled the recent personal experience of my grandmother dying and consequent funeral arrangements, and also workplace experiences.  About a week later I heard from a friend's date's previous date had been stood up in the past by a guy claiming his grandfather had died etc.  I had not yet told her the story.

Of course not all cancellations are fakes.  This is the time you have to listen to your intuition.

• Being played is NOT about you.  Do NOT take this personally.  There ARE going to be many times on your Internet dating journey, when someone says or does something that will sting (your emotions or your pride).  Do NOT take it on board, the issue lays with them and should stay with them.

Recently when guys have been making judgement calls about me, about a person they know nothing about, I have thrown back the comment explaining their judgement is based on their own life's experiences and as such does NOT affect me in the slightest.  This simple truth (which has no malicious intent) about their opinion, tends to have the almost karmic knack of backfiring the speaker's intent.  To which I find is an immediate hilarious bonus.

Perhaps we should all read...  

To communicate effectively on an individual-to-individual basis we  need to learn everyone is different.  A good starting point is between cultures and genders.  I was fortunate to learn this in my last relationship.  There were no language communication issues between F and I; in fact his English surpassed most of the people's with whom I came into contact on a daily basis.  The issues which did arise concerned gender behaviour.  There were times he could not understand me simply because I was a woman and his judgement calls were naturally male orientated.  Similarly I took offence when none was intended.  It was such an obvious case of men seeing things in black and white and women seeing things in shades of grey. Likewise a woman reads between the lines and men take note of the words themselves.     

• Prior to the date set your own standards.  Have a time in mind you want confirmation of the date by.  It is your choice whether you discuss this with the prospective date or not.

Dependent upon my interaction with a prospective date, I may text him in the morning and simply state looking forward to meeting.  If this is not responded to in a reasonable amount of time then alarm bells may ring (especially if it is a lunch date).  I may follow up with a simple get out clause text or have the get out clause attached to the initial text.  Alarm bells scream if this is not responded to.  This may all sound cynical but consider that genuine dates are generally, nervous or not, eager to meet.

Something I do not like doing but has proved justifiable, is resorting to checking any reservations the date has claimed to have made.  Alternatively/additionally perhaps, telephone your prospective date.  A switched off mobile equates to a cancellation in my experience.

Upset? Look on the positive side: if you discover the date is not going ahead before you have spent hours getting ready (both physically and mentally) then you have saved yourself time, energy and fuel.  Let's face it fuel is an expensive commodity these days!  Unfortunately getting to the venue will have to be chalked up to experience...


It could have been worse - he could have turned up