Dating Diversity

Get Ahead of the Game


If you are hoping I have tips to help you date the likes of members from the 2009 Britain's Got Talent winning Dance Troupe, then you will be disappointed.  However if you want to immerse yourself in the discussion of dating members from the diverse society we have in the UK and many other parts of the world, then do read on.




Know Yourself


Individually we are the sum of genetics and experiences.  The scientific world has, for some time, acknowledged the importance of both sociology and biology in our individual make up.    The extent of the influences of the two and the extent to which they are entwined continues to fascinate psychologists in the nature-nurture debate.  The science of biology is continuously discovering amazing things regarding our genes.    What we may have once thought of as purely being the result of a socialisation dysfunction leading to poor lifestyle choices, may in fact be due to a genetic predilection (for example susceptibility to certain conditions such as obesity, or addictions: and in this case food addiction links in nicely with the mentioned condition - obesity).  Personally I think we will have to leave the scientists to hypothesise, theorise and conclude success or otherwise, amongst themselves, as we look at socialisation.  We are taught to conform to the society in which we are raised through our parents, and then through the institutions of school, religion and the workplace.  These are our primary and secondary socialisations respectively, which have evolved within our families, our communities and our countries throughout history. 


Know Yourself Through History

Historically Britain, for the past two millennia, has integrated cultures from the far-flung corners of the planet.  By 77AD Britannia became part of the Roman Empire.  Over a hundred years of invasions and resistances led to this moment (omitting Scotland as part of the equation).  Trade and industry flourished and the Romans physically stamped their mark upon us with roads, spas, buildings and towns.  In 312AD the Emperor Constantine, due to his own conversion, made Christianity legal.  The polytheistic pagan faiths of pre-Roman, Anglo-Saxon and Viking Britain eventually gave way to Christianity, it merely took several hundred years for it's integration.

From this site we cannot only see the history of our cultural and religious heritage but how immigration overtook invasions to instil the present multi-faith fabric we have in Britain.  "The 20th century sees two World Wars, the dismantling of Empire and decolonisation - all of which impact on the religious landscape of Britain, ushering in an era of secularisation and a breakdown of traditional religious authority. But this era also brings larger communities of Muslims, Sikhs, Hindus and Black Christians from far-flung parts of the Empire to help with the post-war reconstruction of Britain."  I believe it is important to be aware of how the British people came about.  Many of us can trace our ancestors to the mainland of Europe and beyond, to the other continents.  This story in itself is repeated throughout the ancient and modern world due to empires rising, conquering, and falling.

Know Your Date Through Their History

You may find yourself attracted to someone of a different ethnicity/culture/race to your own but your fear of the unknown makes you reticent in approaching her.  So do you bypass the opportunity due to lack of knowledge, or worse due to ill-informed prejudices?

You could go and camp out in your local library researching cultures, sub-cultures, religions and histories, but chances are you would not then find time to actually date. How about arming yourself with some facts and thereby vanquishing some of the unknown.  Do a little homework and I am sure your date will be thrilled at the effort you have made.  

Religion: is a good starting place, for many cultures have evolved around religion and its practices.  Did you know that Judaism, Islam and Christianity have one very strong connection?  They are Abrahamic faiths.  Put simply this means the God of Abraham is Yahweh, Jehovah and Allah.  Yes different names for the same omnipotent being.  Hindus are known for worshipping many Gods and Goddesses, but if you look into their religion you will discover these divinities are manifestations of one almighty power, Brahman. They understand "God" is beyond comprehension of mere mortals and worship these manifestations as different aspects of the One.  Yoga originates from Hindu as a way to connect with the Divine.  Buddhism, Jainism and Sikhism are all offshoots of Hinduism. The Oriental religions of Taoism (aka Daoism) and Confucianism (Chinese origin) and Shinto (Japanese origin) are very much concerned with the Cosmos as opposed to a named all powerful divinity.  Ch'i is the vital life force which runs through everything and connects all, and as such humans are expected to live harmoniously with it.  Deities have often been adopted from older religions, other regions, or are historical notables who have been deified; all are venerated alongside ancestors.  Feng-shui, originally used to find auspicious sites for certain buildings, has its roots in Taoism.

Language: it is unlikely your prospective date cannot speak English, but have you considered how enthralled he may be if you was to greet him in his mother tongue?  Even better if your accent is so far removed from the language you are attempting.  This ice-breaker can cause you both to laugh as he tries to correct your twang.  Try here for multiple translation options and to hear the foreign word or words.

Prior to meeting F, I had engaged in sending texts in French via the mobile telephone. During our relationship I also made the effort, at least in part, writing in French within the emails and also prose which I wrote.  Speaking French with him was an arduous task, unfortunately due to an unforgiving ear: his, and my awful accent.  I was much better at the written word.  I do, however, still attempt  a few simple words in greeting patients whose native language is not English.  

Expectations: will you be concerned over how you should dress when meeting your prospective date?  I would suggest you dress according to the chosen venue.  If you should happen to choose a seaside venue, I would strongly recommend that you avoid emulating Borat at all costs.  If you are going on a dinner date and are concerned about Halal, Kosher, forbidden foods, vegetarianism, then DO discuss this prior to the date.  There are similarities between kosher and halal prepared foods and their lists of permissible and forbidden foods:  Jews and Muslims will not eat pigs, nor consume the blood of animals.  Do not be hoping to seduce any Jewish lady with oysters and lobsters for these are forbidden also, only fish with scales and fins may be eaten.  Many Muslims consider creatures of the ocean naturally Halal.  Most  Hindus are vegetarian but of those who do eat meat, do not be offering a juicy steak, as the cow is considered sacred.

The bottom line is that you immediately open the doors of communication with your prospective date.  Talk to them and ask them questions.  After-all, although a pizza restaurant may seem a safe bet, your Jewish guy will not be wanting to sample your meat feast pizza when dairy foods should not be presented with meat products!

Dating Disasters/Anecdotes: Your Turn

Whilst I compose more dating subject matter for your perusal, I had the fantastic idea of involving you.  Now I do not lay claim to it being an original idea but it could prove to be fun.

Would you like to 

Share those dates which have made you scream and shout outside of the proverbial bedroom?  

Share those tender moments when you both laid eyes on each other and realised one of you looked nothing like the photographs?  

A wig wearing toupee?

Recall the times when both of you used the arrangement of "the emergency phone call" allowing escape from each others' clutches? 

Recall laughing so hard that your dentures landed in your pudding?

Remember running your hands through his hair during the kiss goodnight only to find as you stepped away his hair was still running through your hands, before the toupee dropped to the floor like a shocked chihuahua? 

All You Have To Do

• Is send your stories through the comment section here.  Alternatively send them to

datingdivination@hotmail.com

• Any details regarding the identification of your date need to be (or will become) confidential.  I suggest that you use the initial of the first name.  

• It is up to you whether you choose to remain anonymous.  Perhaps you too would just prefer the use of your initial(s).  I would like statistical details such as gender and age group though, please.

• Using the comment section, please note that nothing is published automatically. Also note that I cannot edit comments, so it is a case of publish the comment as sent or edit and place in the body of the Blog.

I do appreciate some people will want to contribute but the thought of writing an essay is daunting.  Be assured I am not judging a story writing competition and just a sentence may encapsulate all you want to state.

For those who are horrified at the thought of writing anything then perhaps you would like to enter in the spirit of things and send in your responses to my simple poll:

My Dating Disaster consisted of

1. Date not turning up
2. Date looking nothing like their photographs
3. Date having hygiene issues such as bad breath, abnormal or overpowering body odour, grimy fingernails
4. Date embarrassed him/herself or me
5. I embarrassed myself or date
6. I did not get a word in edgeways 
7. Other

Please feel free to elaborate on any of the pointers.  I do look forward to hearing from you.

Pssssttttt number six was one of my worst dating experiences.  Being able to talk for England and having a variety of opinions, I do not normally find it difficult to interact with people.  I am also very interested in hearing others' opinions and particularly the rationale behind them.  Well X was actually in a league of his own where talking was concerned; and deserved to be in that league, on his own.  He talked and talked and asked for my input, but then talked some more.  When I tried to interject he talked over me.  When I finally shut him up for two seconds he then proceeded to tell me my opinions were wrong. I can hear you asking me how opinions can be wrong when they are subjective beliefs: my point exactly.  Opinions are not normally black and white statements of fact, and in good communication would not be expressed as such, except by X of course.  Cue the need for a Stepford Wife for this charming and articulate gentleman.  Actually cue Churchill (the nodding dog):

This date occurred due to me not listening to my intuition. Nevertheless it has proved fruitful for I did need to be able to write something of a disastrous nature here. It would not surprise the pope or a pauper that I did not see this man again, but funnily enough it did surprise him. In fact he rebuked me for not making myself available for him to take me out again.  Apparently I was very aware at how much interest he had in me.  

Over To You
Ladies you are letting the side down.  From information I have gleaned, we females seem more likely to misrepresent ourselves through old photographs than our male counterparts, or even worse, use fake pictures.  Consider the fact that you are more likely to get hurt by a negative reaction face-to-face, from someone you may have spent hours communicating with, than if you put up a true likeness and men bypass you at the profile stage.


Here's an interesting story with a young lady's date turning up like a cross between Father Christmas and a Christmas Tree .  S was expecting G to turn up blond like his photograph, but alas he was as white as Father Christmas and wore a sparkly green top that merely needed a few baubles to set it off seasonally.  Keeping on the Christmas theme this young lady discovered G, unlike what she had seen in his photo, needed to make this request to Santa:

This same lady shared another tale: meeting with M one evening, she was pushed up against her car and before civil greetings had occurred, hands were wandering and his tongue entwining with her own.  Before long they entered the drinking establishment where she was to make her escape after nursing a solitary coffee.  This was not due to the amorous welcome but because she could not understand one word C uttered, and she did not wish to mock the affliction of this guy.  He had not explained to her he was deaf, which naturally affected his ability to communicate.  S quickly discovered an alternative exit from the establishment after making excuses to use the ladies' toilets.

Ladies are not the only ones to become victims of amorous intentions, but when the story is retold with relish, it is hardly perceived, even remotely, as a dating disaster.

S, this time a male, shared a couple of stories he had heard from one of his dates: One guy had been getting hot and steamy in a chat session with a woman and they therefore arranged to meet.  Upon her turning up he thought something was not quite right. He then realised he was sitting opposite a trannie! Having more than proverbial balls, he didn't leave until he finished his drink.  The second tale involved a guy having dinner with his date.  A man walked upto the table and declared: "You promised me you weren't going to do this again!".  The date simply told her husband to go home and then continued to dine.

Embarrassments

Do not have to be negative as one should be able to laugh at themselves.  I had one date, C, who looked like a hare trapped in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle.  We were merrily talking about this and that, and this and politics, and that and philosophy, and this and religion, and that and...  Well when we came to talking about sex he suddenly realised my voice was not naturally a quiet one.  Beats me as to why he had not noticed it before( you have met my sarcasm before reader?).  I guess, due to dealing with death, I take a pragmatic approach to all subjects.  The only time I am socially inhibited with regards to the talking about sex is when children are in close proximity.  C relaxed when he realised all the other diners were more interested in their partners than listening to the latest sexual expression I had discovered and was relaying.  We did meet again and I must declare he cooked steak and  Béarnaise sauce to perfection.

Bad Boys

Do you want to be or have one? 

An original bad boy

Are you a nice guy sick of girls passing you by because you think they want a bad boy?

Do your friends tell you to "treat them mean to keep them keen"?

Are you a girl who finds herself telling guys "you are nice, but..."?

Do you find yourself hankering after the elusive one?

In nature you will see courtships going on, it is aligned with the breeding season.  The male of the species works hard to get the female interested in him.  Likewise the human male may instinctively want to work hard to get a female.  Those who recognise this, may term it as the thrill of the chase.  Once "caught" the human female is no longer a challenge and the male may want to either back off or go to pastures new.  This primal instinct of "wash* and go" is also seen in the animal kingdom, particularly mammals, for monogamy is not prevalent here.  Interestingly it is often seen amongst birds.  Do feel free to swap wash for the slang equivalent of copulation.

Without being arrogant we humans are a little more evolved than many animals and have the ability to act beyond our primal instincts.  Perhaps having no universal human breeding season has assisted our copulatory evolution and we have veered away from some of our natural instincts.  Returning to the idea of wash and go, there may be something about the woman that refuses to let a man completely withdraw, so when her interests wane his instincts drive him forward to try again.  So ladies you can see men actually have to fight nature's propulsion to step outside this cycle, but having moved on from the times of the Neanderthal, man (or at least a  percentage) has evolved to be able to do just that.




What exactly is a bad boy?

According to Oxford Online Dictionary  a bad boy is "a man who does not conform to approved standards of behaviour, especially in a particular sphere of activity".  The Urban Dictionary has entries with phrases such as: "he's independent and wilful; he does what he wants when he wants; he doesn't follow trends, they follow him;", " A male individual who just couldn't give less of a flying rat's ass about anything", "a person of deep myth and circumstance, who's name is associated with all that is wrong/evil but at the same time being celebrated for the ability to come out unscathed from it all".  These expressions infer a bad boy is a rebellious, cocky or confident, self-centred individual.  Is it the rebellious nature that appeals to the opposite sex?  Or is the key word "confident".  Both sexes find confidence attractive.

Cockiness is confidence expressed in a conceited manner.  If you have ever visited a stately home you will, as I, have witnessed the peacock courtship dance. By returning to nature we can observe how the word cocky "strutting like a cock" can adhere to men who metaphorically show off their plumage in a bid to get the girl.  Read about this courtship dance and see just how far  human personality types mirror the natural world.  I have already suggested that just a percentage of men have evolved from their Neanderthal roots and overcome primal instincts.

Bad boy is not a role with expectations attached and though we have the generic dictionary definition, it does not give depth.  Rightly or wrongly we attribute our own thoughts to the term which broadens the spectrum of what a bad boy actually is.  Other terms associated with bad boy are players and Alpha males.

Personally I am drawn to the positive connotion of the term: Alpha male.  I look to nature and there I see a strong force with a protective nature.  Alpha males are often observed in dog and primate communities.  The Alpha male assumes the prime position in the animal community's hierarchy.  Other animals pay respect to him which has thus been earned due to his combined qualities (which may include intelligence as well as physical supremacy) and role attachments.  He has to protect the community from others, and protect his immediate group from usurpers.  This site shows the social structure  including the hierarchy, of primates alongside comparisons to human societies.


Unfortunately in our human society the Alpha male can be seen as an act: acting tough/loud/domineering/authoritarian/brash/conceited; and very seldom earns respect. That is unless it is harnessed in the business world.  Much of the Alpha male traits lean towards egotistical behaviour.  True Alpha males fight to get to the top, fight to stay there, fight to get what they want and fight for their loved ones, and would not label themselves thus due to the negative human connotation.  Give me an Alpha male, a real man who is true to his gender qualities and is emotionally intelligent; complete in himself but ready for female complementation.  It just makes me want to roar like the Alpha female I am.

Nice Guys

Let us take a look at what I have already shown: the peacock having strutted his stuff and the alpha male primate having fought for prime position, both of these animal examples show that animalistic assertiveness is needed to “get the girl”.  Nice guys do not generally exhibit this behaviour.  On the positive end of the spectrum a nice guy is genuinely a caring individual but on the negative end, we have someone seeking to please and seeking to be liked, a man awash with insecurities.  Nevertheless nice guys appear more in touch with their feminine side than bad boys.  Just considering that opposites attract (and ignoring the subject of homosexuality), why would us girls want to copulate or cohabit (with those copulatory tendencies) with another female or female simulation? No matter how much we humans have evolved we do still have our strong primal instincts.  However nice guys do make for better long term partners than bad boys.

Today’s society, particularly here in the West, is very confusing for our gender identities.  Roles have merged and the boundaries blurred.  The modern man and the modern woman have strived for equality, in both the workplace, at home and in leisure.  People listen up: men and women will NEVER be equal.  We are mentally wired up differently and of course have major biological differences to allow for procreation and survival of the species.  We should celebrate firstly our gender and then who we are individually.  I suggested early on that we use dating to get to know ourselves through the interaction of others.  It is only by getting to know ourselves that we become capable of knowing our desires concerning life partners, and by partners I am actually concurring that we can have several significant partners throughout our lifetimes (feel free to cast blame onto our generally non-monogamous species of primates).

Is there hope for bad boys and nice guys and their opposite gender equivalents?

Great news, of course there is.  The answer is simply getting to know yourself and embracing your qualities, faults and foibles.  As you learn to embrace all that is you, you will begin to like yourself, and eventually love yourself, in the non-Narcissistic way. You will become less needy: less attention seeking, less seeking to please others and sacrificing of your own needs.  Life itself will guide you.  All you have to do is heed your life's lessons.

I think we need to look at How? as another topic.

Debunking Dating Myths

Other's Opinions Should Not Dictate Your Choices

• Do not have sex on a first date!

Why not?  If the two of you are horny or there is a modicum of chemistry and neither is pressurising the other, then why not?  It is the 21st Century after-all and sometimes a woman wants a break from her best friend the rabbit, and a man wants a break from his favourite blistered hand.  Just remember to play safe.  Leave contact details with a trusted person and remember to take condoms.  

It is worth noting if you are on the look out just for sexual encounters then there are plenty of sites which cater specifically for these liaisons.  However, the more conventional dating sites are keeping up with the times and list intimate encounters as much of an option as short or long-term dating intents.  Many people nowadays do not want emotional entanglements but do want regular intimate encounters.  


I would suggest to you if you fear the consequence of your choice then perhaps you are not quite ready to behave in this manner.  Society has us enmeshed in all sorts of rules (norms).  Quite often we feel compelled to conform to those norms.  It is liberating to break free from these, often self-induced pressures, providing it is truly personal choice and also not illegal.  If a poor choice is made then do not regret it, but see what you can take from it; learn from it. 


Be warned though, there never will be a parity between demand and supply on any dating site.  Here's a fun allegory: one fine day a bakery receives five female customers, who see a variety of savoury and sweet cakes, 15 in all. Woman One walked passed the shop and was seduced by its tempting smells, but when she entered the shop and looked at each cake upon the counter (among which were the different flavoured muffins, the Choux pastries, the fresh cream cakes, and the jam filled doughnuts), not one successfully reached out to her and said "choose me".  She left the shop empty handed. Woman Two had driven to the shop to fulfil her craving for a coffee flavoured éclair. When she could not locate her choice she asked the baker, who told her that option was not available, and offered a chocolate éclair instead.  Knowing her own mind the woman was not to be persuaded in trying something different; she also left the shop empty handed.  Women Three and Four did not spend too much time deliberating about their choices, one knew she wanted a muffin and decided to treat herself to an iced one and the other did not have a sweet tooth so chose something savoury.  Woman Five went into the shop and was desperate to fill a small hole (absolutely no pun intended of course).  She settled on a gingerbread man.  But would you believe it, this gingerbread man took one look at the female customer and before the baker could charge the woman, the gingerbread man was seen jumping off the counter and running for his life.  Some of the other customers present reported that they heard him shout "run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man".  








Hopefully the story shows, in a fun way, that the number of available men and women is irrelevant.  In my story I chose a higher ratio of cakes to women to depict the assumption of more men register on dating sites than women.  However I do not have statistics to provide evidence (but the fact that some dating sites have free membership for women only, certainly suggests this).  Back to my story, you can see that the variety of cakes reflects the variety of men: ethnicity, culture, age, height, personality and personal desires is not an exclusive list.  To state the obvious, this same variety exists in their female counterparts.  There has to be some compatibility from the viewpoint of one or both genders.

• Do not talk about the Ex/Exes!

Why not?  That might limit the conversation somewhat if you have just come out of a long relationship and merely want to use your ex as a point of reference.  Ideally though your first date should not be the person you vent to if you are angry about your ex, and likewise your date should not be the shoulder to cry on if you have not finished grieving over the loss of the last relationship.  Of course it may be that you are over any issues associated with your Ex, or perhaps only over the negative issues and have proceeded to place them upon a pedestal.  This may result in you unintentionally intimidating your date or simply denting their over-inflated egotistical personality.


It may be a simple rule of thumb never to discuss Exes on a first date if there is any superfluous emotion attached.  If you are faced with someone who is discussing their Ex then consider the context in which they are discussed.  Observe the emotion which accompanies the discussion and of course the content.  If all three suggest the person has deep issues then... well it is not my place to tell you to keep a wide berth.


I have been on a date with a guy who spoke all night about his ex-girlfriend.  The context was one of yearning.  I gently reflected back his discussions and asked him if he was ready to date.  Of course he was not, but our date allowed him to recognise that. thefreedictionary.com defines a date as: an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.  Only the romantic aspect would have considered that date as a total failure.  I have grown not to hold any romantic expectations and so see dates as a purely social engagement.

Often life throws up complexities where we would rather not see them.  I sat across the table from this guy who had the most gorgeous deep brown eyes.  I wanted to lose myself in them (yes I do pertain to sentimentality on the rare occasion).  This guy spoke of his soon-to-be ex-wife (divorce was  progressing).  The emotional attachment was only slight, but the context concerned his baby son and responsibilities.  It was sad to see this man tormenting himself.  A new woman in his life at that time would only have complicated matters.  I did gain from this social interaction though, B was the first guy I had been attracted to since my ex-boyfriend.  Chemistry sure can be elusive.

Have I been "guilty" of discussing my Ex/Exes?  You bet!  I still maintain the importance lies in content, context and emotional attachment.

• Size Matters!

A touchy subject, men worry about not being large enough with regards to a certain appendage.  Whereas women tend to worry about the over-all size of their figure. So does it matter?  


Since I am female it makes sense to first discuss something I am familiar with: the female body.  As an adult my body weight has varied from eight stone to 12 stone, and my body size from an eight to an 18. I was at my biggest just after giving birth to my youngest daughter and in great haste to get out of pregnancy clothing and into normal clothing.  As most nursing mothers will tell you: breast-feeding is not the time to be fretting over diets.  I began to lose weight prior to divorcing and so went into dating with a new found confidence in my body. This confidence helped me to wear clothing I had not been seen in a while and it made me feel sexy.  Fast forward several years and a hormone dysfunction has seen the weight rise again.  Should I stop feeling sexy because of it?  Hell no!  I simply wear clothing that detracts from the wobbly bits I hate and enhances those areas I am proud of.  Us girls just need to work out what cuts, patterns, materials and colours can flatter us and those that work against us.


Back to does size matter?  Some people state no.  What is for certain is that it really is a personal preference.  This preference may have something to do with a person's own size or those in whose company they feel at home with and therefore  have its roots in personal experiences.  Personally I prefer a heavier set person to someone slim, thin or athletic, but I will point out that even when I was slim I did not find myself attracted to slim guys.  


Whatever figure you are currently blessed with, whether due to genes, hormonal dysfunction, or gym attendance then carry it with an air of confidence and clothe it with conscious attention: if you want to go out looking like you have slept in your clothes, if you want to look like you have just stepped out of a convent, if you want to look like a sixties reject, then do it all consciously.


Weight issues are not exclusive to females but due to the media and their stick thin models, us girls do tend to feel the pressures more than the guys.  The best advice for both sexes in this section is clothing yourself with an air of confidence and conscious attention, together with knowing what cuts, patterns, materials and colours can flatter the body shape and skin tone.

• Treat them mean, keep them keen!

And what planet are you on?  This is my reaction to the extreme of the repetitive cycle of acting interested then backing off and acting cool.  This might work with some personality types but it is not going to work with them all.  In fact it might backfire.


On a serious note (oops semi-serious) it may be a good idea not to do the complete opposite and come across overly keen as this can scare some people off, regardless of gender.

With-holding sex on the first, second or even third date when it is obvious you both want to move to the next phase can work.  Girls it does actually keep men interested.


Have you heard the expression "Women like bad boys!"? Well some men seem to think "bad boys" is synonymous with "treat them mean and keep them keen".  I think this subject is worthy of it's own discussion.

Blah Blah Blah From Other Sites

Only Follow Advice Which You Feel Is right For YOU!

Try browsing the Net and see what advice you can get from other sites.  It falls into two distinct types: psychological geared for self-help and relationship advice, and practical tips such as here.    There is a wealth of information that you can click on in an instant.  Some of it is free and some of it starts of as free.  Are they promising you if you do this you will get that, or if you do that you will get this?  Are they telling you what to do, how to act or what to say, in order to get that gorgeous guy and seduce him into bed, or get the girl of your dreams, marry and live happily with 2.4 children?  Yes, a little stereotypical gender aspiration reversal here, standing as an example, for no matter what promises are made, they will NOT stand true for all, when you consider the advice originates from psychological averages*.  Miss Average meets Mr Average. Their date is wonderfully average, emitting average interaction and average behaviour. They go on and have more wonderful average dates and end up with a blissful average "Happily Ever After".  

*Average: think in a mathematical sense, NOT as in the definition of ordinary/mediocre.


If you return to the first page of my Blog you will see this statement: "...there is nothing wrong with using dating as an aid to discovering what you want AND discovering you, for different people will bring out different facets of you." Experiencing life is the best way in which to learn about ourselves, to learn about other people, and to learn how we can interact with others successfully.  If we are willing to open ourselves up to these lessons, we will then be taking them on board and evolving.

imagine charting all the components and variables of x and y and the
intersection being the only time when the desired result occurs

Following advice may help you act appropriately in order to get a desired result but it does not guarantee it.  Far too many variables exist for that to happen.   People individually are complex let alone adding another to the equation. There is not a book big enough, or an internet site large enough to give advice on how one person can manipulate a situation, themselves and another person to get a desired result.  x may represent females (it certainly does in the science of biology by the fact x = the female chromosome and y = the male chromosome) but it is such a tiny part of the dating and/or relationship picture.  All people are the sum of their genes, experiences and ever-changing thoughts and emotions at one moment in time. Imagine the equation x+y= fireworks on 22 March 2012.  Yet consider if x had met y the day before when her car had broken down and y had taken his cat to the vets, the result could be indifference or worse, such as x+y=Zzzzzzzzzzzz.  


The same can happen in an established relationship...

Chemistry sizzled for me when I met F for the first time.  All my senses went into overdrive, but a little decorum was initially needed.  I will let you imagine the fireworks that took place at a later date, and an ensuing relationship.  Fast forward eight months and events were tempting me to believe: 




My head was telling my heart the relationship had run its course.  We made love.  My intent was one of goodbye.  A metaphysical experience over-ruled my intent and added itself to our equation (our souls/essence/higher selves had connected).  This resulted in me spending two further years in the relationship (albeit at this time long distance).  The love, the lust, the chaos were all part of our x+y; and for me personally, paramount to my growth.  




Please do not think reading certain literature is pointless for it is far from it (I did question whether it is worth reading Men Are From Mars, after-all), you just have to work out what is right for you.  Just remember there are no universal rules for the success in meeting someone and it turning into a successful relationship.  Give and take, compassion, understanding and a great deal of communication is necessary; and that is on top of chemistry, compatibility and timing.

The Day of the Date: Player Aware

"and I wonder what she'll wear"

Nervous Much?

You have picked out your clothes, manicured your hands and totally preened yourself from head to toe ready for the date, and you girls have done exactly the same.  










The heart thumping adrenalin, arising from your nervous excitement plays a stronger beat than jungle drums but still you hear a whisper of a voice.  This voice is asking you if your date is going to turn out like a horror story or if they are even going to turn up.  You have already ascertained the prospective date is real by following the Blog's common sense guidelines of photo-swapping, having telephone conversations and perhaps even web-camming.  But... on the grapevine you have heard the term player.  

THE PLAYER

There are dating players and there are pre-dating players.  One of the definitions in the  Mirriam Webster On-line Dictionary for player is a person who plays a game.  In the world of dating it is easy to see that this person is playing at dating or playing at the processes involved in dating.  The term player is not normally applied to someone openly dating many (known as serial dating); therefore the term implies one is dishonest with their intent.  If a dating player gets dates by deception in order to increase the notches on the bedpost, likewise a pre-dating player wants to increase their e-notches. This person goes through the dating processes and makes a date.  Making a date is the mission, and when the mission is accomplished we have an e- (electronic) notch.  What this means to you is that this person has NO intention of meeting.

Shall we delve into the psychology of the wherefores and whys? No, as that would only delay your pre-dating task of damage control.  We would be hard pressed to prevent all such weasels from gaining their e-notches, but the good news is that we can limit its detrimental effect.

Simply disregard "him"  

You may view the pre-dating player who cancels the night before or even at the last minute, as one with a conscience or one continuing to play games (as he may want to have a repeat play); or, the one who does not cancel and you cannot get hold of him, as having no conscience or as a coward.  Actually let us not view him at all!  GUYS - I am sure there are not just male players out there so sit up and take note.






Damage Control

• Dating a person in your own comfort zone.  This guideline has an important rationale in this section too.  If you are stood up whilst on your own turf, it will be simple to divert your time and energy to an alternate activity. The Gym may be an excellent choice to burn off the adrenaline rush but the reality could be that you are hardly dressed for the part.  So diving into the cinema and finding a dark corner (as one does) to absorb the jittery mind, whilst further hormonal changes (think beyond male and female) occur, may cause the mascara to run.  Try waterproof mascara next time.  There may also be 24 hour shopping (for the most part), or friends living locally, to whom you can vent.

Fortunately I have never physically been stood up.  That simply means I have never gone to a venue and the guy has not turned up.  I have, however, had plenty of experiences of being let down.  The excuses are many and varied.  I think a typical one is the car breaking down.  An unusual one was of a grandfather dying and the grandson had spent all the previous night with him and then spent time arranging the funeral.  He had my sympathy until he added that last statement - white Caucasians do not have this instant funeral turn around.  Adding to that, this exhausted gentleman was telling me all this whilst logged onto the dating site the morning the date was due.  I will not repeat the obscenities from him responding to condolences and subtle bluff-calling as I recalled the recent personal experience of my grandmother dying and consequent funeral arrangements, and also workplace experiences.  About a week later I heard from a friend's date's previous date had been stood up in the past by a guy claiming his grandfather had died etc.  I had not yet told her the story.

Of course not all cancellations are fakes.  This is the time you have to listen to your intuition.

• Being played is NOT about you.  Do NOT take this personally.  There ARE going to be many times on your Internet dating journey, when someone says or does something that will sting (your emotions or your pride).  Do NOT take it on board, the issue lays with them and should stay with them.

Recently when guys have been making judgement calls about me, about a person they know nothing about, I have thrown back the comment explaining their judgement is based on their own life's experiences and as such does NOT affect me in the slightest.  This simple truth (which has no malicious intent) about their opinion, tends to have the almost karmic knack of backfiring the speaker's intent.  To which I find is an immediate hilarious bonus.

Perhaps we should all read...  

To communicate effectively on an individual-to-individual basis we  need to learn everyone is different.  A good starting point is between cultures and genders.  I was fortunate to learn this in my last relationship.  There were no language communication issues between F and I; in fact his English surpassed most of the people's with whom I came into contact on a daily basis.  The issues which did arise concerned gender behaviour.  There were times he could not understand me simply because I was a woman and his judgement calls were naturally male orientated.  Similarly I took offence when none was intended.  It was such an obvious case of men seeing things in black and white and women seeing things in shades of grey. Likewise a woman reads between the lines and men take note of the words themselves.     

• Prior to the date set your own standards.  Have a time in mind you want confirmation of the date by.  It is your choice whether you discuss this with the prospective date or not.

Dependent upon my interaction with a prospective date, I may text him in the morning and simply state looking forward to meeting.  If this is not responded to in a reasonable amount of time then alarm bells may ring (especially if it is a lunch date).  I may follow up with a simple get out clause text or have the get out clause attached to the initial text.  Alarm bells scream if this is not responded to.  This may all sound cynical but consider that genuine dates are generally, nervous or not, eager to meet.

Something I do not like doing but has proved justifiable, is resorting to checking any reservations the date has claimed to have made.  Alternatively/additionally perhaps, telephone your prospective date.  A switched off mobile equates to a cancellation in my experience.

Upset? Look on the positive side: if you discover the date is not going ahead before you have spent hours getting ready (both physically and mentally) then you have saved yourself time, energy and fuel.  Let's face it fuel is an expensive commodity these days!  Unfortunately getting to the venue will have to be chalked up to experience...


It could have been worse - he could have turned up